So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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