I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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