So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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