Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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