My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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