Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
