so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
