I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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