So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
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who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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