I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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