So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
