I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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