So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
