Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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