don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
