Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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