Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
