how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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