he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I supernannyed him into submission
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
