you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
