I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
