Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
