I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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