I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
