I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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