Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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