I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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