I seem to have left my pride at pride
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
