babies were throwing up all over the place
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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