The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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