Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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