Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
