did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Randomize
