i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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