Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
