last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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