i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
