we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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