Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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