I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
