I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the condom got lost in my hair
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
