Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
