You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
