Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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