before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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