I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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