The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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