true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
