Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
