In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
