I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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