i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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