my phone needs a breathalizer
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
