roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
