he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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