How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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