If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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