Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
